I had a bit of a flip-out a few nights ago Mostly just in my head, but it was bordering on panic.
I realized that I might have some kind of hypothyroidism going on. I randomly stumbled across some reading on the subject earlier and the things I’ve been struggling with for the last almost 18-24 months match up to the list of symptoms almost exactly.
Now, obviously, hypothyroidism is treatable, so it wasn’t fear that got me all flipped out. No, I got all flipped out because I realized, oh my god, maybe I’m not crazy, maybe I’m not broken, maybe there’s actually something for-real going on that makes me feel so off all the time. There might actually be something wrong with me that’s treatable and manageable and it might not all just be in my head.
The only major problem with this whole thing is that I have to advocate for myself… I have to take up fucking space.
It is really hard for me to take up space. I don’t like feeling like a hypochondriac. I don’t like “bothering” people. I feel like my internet research (via reputable sources like Mayo Clinic and PubMed) and the knowledge I have about my own body and my feelings of something is wrong here aren’t “enough”, like I’m somehow not allowed to advocate for myself armed with only those things.
I was on the verge of tears for hours because I thought maybe it’s not that I have to hate myself, that I have to starve myself, that I have to spend the rest of my life burning myself out to see almost no change in my body composition, in my scale weight, in my menstrual cycle, or my metabolism – for all those things to remain just totally fucked and all over the place – maybe it’s that I may have an actual medical condition to explain these things.
Maybe it’s not that I’m a failure.
I haven’t been to my doctor yet. I don’t know that this is what’s going on. It could be that I am just a broken person, that I am a fat, lazy failure and I do have to hate myself and work myself to the point of insanity to accomplish what was always easily maintainable for me up until a few years ago.
I guess we’ll find out next week after my appointment and my labs come back.