Maybe I should blame my menstrual cycle and where I’m currently at in it, but this last 4-5 days has been a real struggle to steer myself away from negative thoughts regarding my weight, my shape, my clothing size… and stupid Facebook “Memories” isn’t helping.
In 2014, for my 30th birthday, I ran my first 5k. Which was great! Really! I had just recently really fallen in love with running and I was SUPER proud of myself for doing it and had a bunch of friends who did it with me (and my dad!) and it was just really super duper. It was a great memory. …but one that seems to regularly be tainted with feeling like I “looked so much better” then. Even though, at the time, I was incredibly frustrated with how “fat” I was and how much I was struggling to lose weight.
Isn’t that funny?
There’s a quote that I throw around every now-and-then that goes something like, “I wish I were as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.” To which the solution is: stop thinking about whether or not you’re fat. (Easier said than done, right?)
That race was two years ago today. 3 months later my grandfather would pass away very suddenly from a stroke after beating lung cancer and I would begin packing on the 30 extra pounds I’m currently carrying around. Like a sandbag of grief evenly sprinkled over my thighs, hips, and belly that maybe I’m not ready to let go of. But nonetheless, seeing the photos this morning from that race sent me on a quest… a quest to find exactly how much I was eating/drinking/sleeping, what type of exercise I was doing (outside of running) and how often, but, most importantly… how much I weighed.
I quickly stopped my pointless searching in an effort to calm the crazy… and, besides, I can tell you right now it was around 189lbs. I can tell you that because that’s the lightest I’ve been since my second son was born in 2011 and, boy, I sure did and do cling to that. Hard. Sometimes I think someone is going to have to pry that little piece of “victory” (and the ever-remaining “guilt” of no longer being that weight) from my cold, dead hands.
I find myself trying to relive or recapture the past often and that’s what today’s frantic search was about. If I could just read back through my blog entries, my food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, then I could find that “magic” to shrink myself again. But the reality is, what worked over the course of 3 years in my late 20′s leading to my turning 30, isn’t necessarily going to work now as I come into my 32nd year. It could! But my hormone profile is completely different, the amount of sleep, stress management, and general time I require to recover from a hard workout is different. I need to find what works for me now. Not two, three, four, five years ago. More importantly, I need to continue to focus on liking who I am now as a person and taking the focus off of what my body looks like.