Sometimes I have these brief moments of wanting to succeed, of being motivated to really do something for myself, to build myself up and pursue some sort of fleeting greatness; to be smart and passionate and driven. To accomplish things outside of surviving through each day.
It is unfortunate for me that these moments flee as quickly as they come allowing myself to be swallowed by the complacency of everyday life.
My body image has been incredibly low the last couple weeks coupled with some pretty gnarly depression despite running a few times a week and walking nearly every day. Some rain moved in to the area a few days ago and that’s just adding fuel to my gloomy fire. As a result of this emotional state, I’ve spent more time than I’d care to admit scouring my old internet haunts and bookshelves in search of motivation to go back to “what worked before” …except that it clearly didn’t “work” in the long-run because otherwise I’d still be living that way and doing all those things and maintaining that body aesthetic. But as I scramble to somehow reignite my passion for what slimmed me down 4 years ago, I have these moments where I really stop and think, where I slow down for just a moment and put my neurosis aside, and in that clarity I think, “This isn’t going to help you; the obsessive calorie counting, always spending money on the next great workout program that you’ll only stick to for a few weeks before wanting to move on to something else, the next type of restriction diet that “will work this time”, etc. Just calm the f*ck down, love yourself, move your body often in ways you enjoy, eat food that makes your body feel good and fuels that movement, sleep enough, and just trust the process.”
…but can we talk about how hard that is when none of your pants fit comfortably, it’s hard to find new, larger pants that fit and look decent, and the scale taunts you with it’s consistently rising number every couple weeks? …I should probably ditch the scale altogether… I try to remind myself all the time that there is so much more to life than what my body looks like; that this is all just shallow and materialistic and I want to live life, not rail against it in the name of thinness. (This was a HUGE motivator behind revamping my blog and moving from Jess vs Life to Jess Has A Blog!) I also know these feelings are closely related to my current emotional state and a couple weeks from now I could be on here screaming about how beautiful and wonderful my body is. …which is equally frustrating.