If you don’t take the time to work on creating the life you want, you’re eventually going to be forced to spend a lot of time dealing with a life you don’t want.
It’s has been 11 days since my last update – I haven’t quite gotten back into the swing of blogging. (Not that I was super consistent to begin with!)
Last time I wrote I had practically convinced myself I had hypothyroidism. Well, I had my physical last week and had about 4,000 (read: 8) blood tests run, and wouldn’t you know?! My greatest fears (concerns) were realized…
I do not have hypothyroidism. Or anything really wrong with my thyroid or immune system at all… What I do have? High cholesterol, high triglycerides, borderline glucose levels, and a vitamin D deficiency.
What does that mean?
Well, the first three mean that I need to exercise more and cut out some of the pork, beef, and dessert I love to eat while continuing to consume allllllll the fruits, veggies, and fish. The third offers me a pretty solid explanation for some of my body’s weirdness; the exhaustion/fatigue, the horrific brain fog, some of the joint soreness, my irregular menstrual cycles, constipation (you’re welcome), some of my depression, and (drum roll, please)… some of my recent weight gain.
Who knew vitamin D did so much for you?!
(I did. I knew. I just had no idea I was deficient. This also just fuels my long-standing belief that I should live farther south to I can spend more time outdoors year-round.)
So to rewind a little bit, the high cholesterol and triglycerides – I am supremely unhappy about this and have been pretty depressed about it for the last few days since receiving my test results. It’s also been hard not to fall down that self-hate spiral of running a constant inner-monologue telling myself what a broken, fat, lazy slob I am and now we can just add hypochondriac to the list of crazy/neurosis, etc. etc. But last week I did start back up with daily exercise and this is the healthiest way to deal with both the physical and the emotional.
Some (or all) of you may remember my #100daysofchange and #365daysofchange projects on Instagram. Well, like it or be completely annoyed by it, I’m making daily posts again to track my daily exercise for however long it takes to create the new habit and make it stick – yes, even through a full winter, which is my biggest hurdle every.single.year. Here are some from this first week:
Should ye be interested, thar be a link to said Instagram account right over here –>
This weekend it is my intention to begin sharing tracking/progress posts as I did pretty regularly back in the days of Sweeping Out The Bats/Jess Vs Life.
I’ll also be talking about how I’ve started incorporating a daily planner into my life which has worked wonders with my ADHD and brain fog.
I had a bit of a flip-out a few nights ago Mostly just in my head, but it was bordering on panic.
I realized that I might have some kind of hypothyroidism going on. I randomly stumbled across some reading on the subject earlier and the things I’ve been struggling with for the last almost 18-24 months match up to the list of symptoms almost exactly.
Now, obviously, hypothyroidism is treatable, so it wasn’t fear that got me all flipped out. No, I got all flipped out because I realized, oh my god, maybe I’m not crazy, maybe I’m not broken, maybe there’s actually something for-real going on that makes me feel so off all the time. There might actually be something wrong with me that’s treatable and manageable and it might not all just be in my head.
The only major problem with this whole thing is that I have to advocate for myself… I have to take up fucking space.
It is really hard for me to take up space. I don’t like feeling like a hypochondriac. I don’t like “bothering” people. I feel like my internet research (via reputable sources like Mayo Clinic and PubMed) and the knowledge I have about my own body and my feelings of something is wrong here aren’t “enough”, like I’m somehow not allowed to advocate for myself armed with only those things.
I was on the verge of tears for hours because I thought maybe it’s not that I have to hate myself, that I have to starve myself, that I have to spend the rest of my life burning myself out to see almost no change in my body composition, in my scale weight, in my menstrual cycle, or my metabolism – for all those things to remain just totally fucked and all over the place – maybe it’s that I may have an actual medical condition to explain these things.
Maybe it’s not that I’m a failure.
I haven’t been to my doctor yet. I don’t know that this is what’s going on. It could be that I am just a broken person, that I am a fat, lazy failure and I do have to hate myself and work myself to the point of insanity to accomplish what was always easily maintainable for me up until a few years ago.
I guess we’ll find out next week after my appointment and my labs come back.
I blogged for a long time. I blogged for five years. Wait, no, longer. But I blogged about “lifestyle” for 5 years. I rebranded my blog two years in. I changed the name from, what I felt, was a “clever” song lyric (“sweeping out the bats”) when I created it to something more substantial – to something that better represented what I was blogging about: Jess vs. Life
And so we evolve yet again and become: Jess Has A Blog.
Because I do. And this is it. Welcome to it. Thanks to all of those who have followed me all the way through until now.
get back to running for the love of it and to support mental health
get back to strength training to support running and avoid injury
continue eating intuitively a wide variety of foods
reduce/manage stress by sleeping enough – regularly
begin a 5k training program to ease back into running
practice the body-weight strength program I recently began 2-3 times a week
continue eating intuitively – not too much, mostly veggies
Hi! I’m Jess! This is my blog! I had another blog (which went through many names, but is currently also called “Jess Has A Blog”) and if you want to see older than 2016 posts and see what got me here you can go check that out here: jesshasablogblog.blogspot.com